LIFE WITH JORIS BOHNSON

LIFE WITH JORIS BOHNSON

He's one of those people who's so clever, he's actually crossed the line into stupid. He is educated but coated with a stupid veneer. When you bite into him there’s a lovely fruity soft centre. He can write good books in Greek, but he is completely socially INEPT. He speaks his mind with people who have allegedly discriminated against him by correctly assessing his genetic composition to be made up of a hotchpotch of European and Albinism.

His claim to Saving the Earth is that he rides a bike through London. Obviously, he enjoys dicing with death. I’ve tried cycling through London, but stopped when I used up 8 of my 9 lives. One of my lives expired from something that can only be seen with an electron microscope – I had been ingesting vast quantities of noxious traffic ozone. An environmental policy is about much more than “protecting green spaces”. It means taking hard measures to tackle motoring, to reduce emissions, to insulate buildings, to change our behaviour at every level. Yet for Joris, even the Kyoto Treaty was a step too far.

He has stripped to his underpants, ascended the highest diving board and plunged his whole being into the warp and weft of London. He has travelled, by chauffeured limo, from zones one to six and met thousands of plebs from all walks of life.

Sitting on a beach for a two week holiday produces a massively excogitated work. He doesn’t like discrimination in any form. A journalist called him a fat albino. "What’s wrong with the albino race?" he stutters, with a look of incredulity in his pale blue eyes. The life of an albino is cursed by candyfloss hair, a dodgy gait and bad eyesight, so bad in some, they can't drive a car. Their lives are blighted having to avoid the sun. Albinos have no skin pigment to protect them from the sun so they don't tan they only burn. Many have been picked on, beaten up, ostracised, and one even killed because of the hate and possibly fear of others. He knows firsthand about this because he is an albino.

He points to the bigoted British scientists who blame fat people for causing global warming, who have discovered they use up more fuel to transport them around and the amount of food they eat requires more energy to produce than that consumed by those on smaller diets. Well, we all have different metabolisms. I, myself, consume no more than 1,500 calories per day. I know of skinny people who eat 4,000 calories per day and stay skinny. The British Scientists have ignored the fat pet situation – what about the fat cats and dogs that live in many households? Are the British Scientists going to suggest a cull on people’s pets? I’m sure the Queen’s 20 or 30 corgis are in immediate danger.