JAILHEISTLAWYER

A SPECIAL GUEST POSTING FROM JAILHEISTLAWYER


When someone pulls my chain, something usually goes off. Last time it was the jam jar lids - gooseberry, damson, blackberry slimed all over the place, up to my elbows in the stuff, which attracted all the wasps and bees. Look at all my stings. I look like a pincushion. All the lids flew off in unison, out the kitchen window, plonk into the unknown abyss where I never venture for fear of something that has, as yet, to appear on my closed circuit television entry phone machine. I tell you, there’s a conspiracy amongst the poltergeists. They’ve got me targeted. And just look at all that shoite in the kitchen cupboards. I mean.. who uses the cupboard under the sink as their personal lavatory? Not me. I’m civilised and bald these days, but I cannot account for every nefarious action of my canine friend. I doubt that he would be capable of carrying out half the stuff that goes on in my house. I mean, the wallpaper, the lack of. Who gets up in the night and strips the wallpaper off the staircase wall? The cracks in this dimension are starting to show. Of course there’s a parallel universe, which runs alongside this one. I have absolute evidence. On ascending the stairs, I met myself going backwards downstairs. I wasn’t scared, just doffed my cap at him, but he totally ignored me. Well, what do you expect? Those in the other dimension are on a higher plane than us. They’ve never experienced the avarice, the delusions of grandeur, the various syndromes that we need to endure in order to say we have “lived” our lives to the full.

Tomorrow I will get onto ebay and buy a well-used weejee board and try to elicit some facts. Maybe I should invite Danie Krugel for tea to talk about woo-woo boxes and compare measurements. He may be able to shed some light around the gloom. Yes, he seems a nice chap who has spiffing facial fungus that I can only dream about, and it will make a nice change from hurling abuse at the old granny net curtain twitchers around here.

That's yer lot. Leave the cheque on the kitchen table. I’m off to grind and polish my axe ready for my new job as a monumental stonemason.